


Ceremonials

by orphan_account



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Inspired by Florence + the Machine, Songfic, also i technically could've completed this tonight, also yes i do plan on updating war of hearts i just have troubles focusing, but i gotta sleep, i love how this is was already a tag???, it's p angsty for most of it, the chapters are super short, this is based off of the ceremonials album
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-26
Updated: 2019-11-26
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:01:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 5,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21568057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: A series of connected drabbles inspired by the Ceremonials album of Florence+The Machine.
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy & Vanya Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy/Vanya Hargreeves
Comments: 3
Kudos: 25





	1. Only If For a Night

“ _And I heard your voice as clear as day_

_And you told me I should concentrate_

_It was all so strange and so surreal_

_That a ghost should be so practical.”_

His portrait had been made pretty soon after it happened. For a while, she couldn’t look at it. There was something missing from it. It didn’t show the side of him that she saw. How could any material capture what she saw though?

She stayed away from it, refusing to look at his too-cold eyes. But she could only stay away so long. Like it or not, this was all she had. Sure, there were his clothes, a few notebooks. His bed eventually stopped smelling like him, her siblings eventually stopped talking about him, but that painting remained.

* * *

It had been a particularly rough day. Though much of her life was not considered easy, today had been worse.

The children lined up in front of their father dutifully. A mission had gone wrong. It was not often that it happened, but they hadn’t executed their father’s wishes the way he asked. Now, he was fuming. Vanya didn’t understand why he was so mad at her siblings, though, they still had _completed_ the mission, they just didn’t do it in a way that was satisfactory for him. Nevertheless, he was yelling.

She couldn’t imagine her fear getting any worse until she heard the very clear sound of a slap and a subsequent five intakes of nervous breath after, including her own. She tried to distinguish which one he had hit, but their postures all kept a uniform position, none of their faces offering any answers either. The room was dim enough that she wouldn’t be able to see the burning of one of her siblings’ cheeks. She figured it was almost nice not knowing which one he hurt, though. Having the knowledge would only mean that she wouldn’t be able to look them in the eye for a few days after she failed to comfort them. It was rare that they comforted each other; they did not want to get caught. Five had never cared when it came to her, frequently teleporting to her room to make sure she was okay.

She wondered how Five would’ve reacted now. She often wonders about how Five would react to what she experienced now. She hoped that whatever he future he was in that it was better.

They were dismissed shortly after, and they marched stiffly to their rooms like the obedient soldiers they were.

* * *

She couldn’t sleep, the sound of her father hitting one of her siblings reverberating through her skull. Her whole body shook, on edge for if her father would continue to worsen his cruelty. She had already taken more pills than she was supposed to, but they were doing nothing to ease her nerves.

After what felt like an eternity, she rose from her bed, abandoning her covers behind her. Her feet tiptoed to the kitchen first, methodically making the sandwich she had made every night for Five and turning on the light for him.

It was only after this habit did not soothe her that she decided to look at the painting.

Her mind had not made this decision, rather her feet steered her to her best friend’s portrait and she followed, bewildered.

As she stood in front of it though, she could’ve sworn she heard his voice though. She knew that it made no sense, but she waited patiently in hopes that he really was here.

He was not.

As her face continued to scan the face of Five Hargreeves, however, a memory reached her consciousness.

It had been a very similar day to this one, except he had been in her room that night, comforting her. He had told her that she just needed to wait. Eventually, they would be able to get away. Eventually, their father would not have power over them. Eventually, they would be together, away from the chaos they suffered at his hands.

This was not true, no. However, it was true that this would eventually be over. He could only rule over her so long, eventually she would be able to get away. Eventually, he wouldn’t be in control. Eventually, she would be alone, but at least she would be away from the suffering her father put her through.

Eventually.


	2. Shake It Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on "Shake It Out" by Florence + The Machine.

“ _Looking for Heaven_

_Found the Devil in me.”_

He happened to find Vanya’s book when he thought he was on the verge of death. A cut on his calf had gotten infected, and he didn’t think he would survive.

In searching for some fever reducers, he eventually gave up walking. He imagined death would be a relief at this point, if anything. It wouldn’t even be suicide, really, just a result of living in a wasteland.

It was as he collapsed on the ground that he realized he was in front of a building that appeared to be a library. Intrigued by the little damage it had compared to everything else around, he walked forward. There wasn’t really any reason for him to do so, though he might possibly find something on time travel that would certainly be inaccurate but might at least inspire him. If he could time travel back, he could be treated for his wound, and he wouldn’t die. He wasn’t sure if he necessarily cared to stay alive, but still, he was intrigued.

As he looked through the shelves, he did find something inspiring, though it had nothing to do with time travel.

His fingers traced over the older face of Vanya Hargreeves, and he pulled the book from the shelves and left the building.

It did not take him much time to read it, eyes frantically searching through the pages, trying to hear her voice. He only paused on the page that discussed him. His heart leapt over her description of him, and he traced the words with his grimy fingers. He imagined that he was touching her cheek, though he knew this was a stupid sentiment. He didn’t particularly care, however, because this was the closest thing he would ever get to her.

He wondered what she was experiencing in her time. He didn’t imagine her life was very great, from the descriptions in her book. Surely, their father was still awful as ever. He hoped that he didn’t make it worse for her by leaving, all of a sudden considering the consequences of his actions in regard to how their father may treat her. The thought sickened him. He had already considered himself a failure to her. Leaving without her had been an awful decision, one he regretted now more than ever. What would it have meant if she had gone with him though? Would it be worth not being alone if he had to see her suffer as well?

His eyes closed for a second before opening, looking at the blue lights of his wrists. He concentrated, imagining himself moving backwards.

It didn’t work. It never did, this shouldn’t really surprise him. There was no reason that reading Vanya’s words would change anything.

He failed her, over and over. Why would it change now that he had to see the results of his failures?

* * *

After he had finished the book a second time that night, his eyes having scoured through her words again as if to search for clues to what he needed to do next, he stood up.

He would find what he needed to cure himself, and he would keep trying to go back.

Dying was not an option.


	3. What the Water Gave Me

“ _And, oh, poor Atlas,_

_The world’s a beast of a burden_

_You’ve been holding on a long time.”_

At one point, the depression became a comfort. It was odd how it worked, but there was something about the emptiness that compelled her to stay in it. Maybe it was just the exhaustion of trying to change it that kept her from wanting to.

Being alone was better than being with her father, she reminded herself every day. Even if her heart ached, at least it was not with fear.

Her violin kept her sane. It soon became the only thing that gave any lightness to her heart. When she played, the world didn’t hurt as much.

When she stopped, everything felt heavy in her heart all the same.

Joining the orchestra helped, and even though she was not the best player there, she reminded herself that she was at least a player there. She never dreamed being anything other than ordinary anyways, and the fact that she could be with those who were extraordinary was something at least.

She tried not to think of her life as a Hargreeves very often. After she had written her autobiography, the others did not speak to her. It was not that they had been particularly vocal before then, but this was what sealed her fate of being alone. She sometimes reminded herself that there were not really any of her siblings that were that close though, none that she could think of. In fact, she imagined that before Five had left, they had been closest of all. Allison and Luther had been at a certain point close, but that had gone away too.

If Five had not left, she imagined she would not be alone. Though he often spoke of his dreams for the greatest schools in the world, he would’ve made sure to go whichever one had been close to her, so long as it met his standards. Maybe they would’ve shared an apartment. He would’ve claimed that it was more convenient than getting a roommate, but she knew it also would’ve had a great deal to do with protecting her. He could be overbearing sometimes with how protective he was, but, for the most part, she found it endearing.

She shook herself of the thought. There was no reason to imagine a life with Five. There would never be a life with Five because he was gone. There was no reason for her to make herself suffer any more than she already had.

She tried as hard as she could to not think of him. It hurt to think of him when she did, and she found herself doing so more than she would care to admit. It seemed the harder she focused in not thinking of him, the more she would inadvertently do it.

* * *

Being alone during the day was easier than being alone during night. She had never trained with the academy, never knew self-defense. She was aware that she didn’t live in the best side of town, that her building didn’t have the safest security. If she could have afforded something safer, she would have done it, but she did not have much. After leaving her father and the mansion, she had refused any money he tried to offer. She knew that if she had accepted it, he would have used it to control her, the way he had tried controlling her all of her life.

Aside from danger, there was also a deeper emptiness to being alone at night. For much of her life, she had lived in a full house. There had always been someone there, even if her siblings were all gone on a mission, she still had Mom. Even if Mom was just an android, she still was somebody. When it was dark and there was nobody, she wished she had at least her.

In the winter, as the cold fronts would hit, she would hide under as many blanket that would fit in her bed. She couldn’t ever afford to turn the heat on really though, so a frigid air always encapsulated her.

She wondered if the lack of warmth she felt was all physical, wondered if from an emotional perspective that she was also cold. It wasn’t really a stretch, though she tried not to think of that.

She tried not to think of a lot of things, though.


	4. Never Let Me Go

“ _Though the pressure’s hard to take_

_It’s the only way I can escape_

_It seems a heavy choice to make.”_

As he methodically cleaned the blood from his body, he reminded himself who he was doing this for. His family would not survive if he did not do this.

No matter how many times he reminded himself though, there was nothing he could do to truly feel clean.

He had lost track at this point of how many he had killed. He had killed before working for the Commission, sure, but now it was his job. And he would’ve stopped if he had seen any other way to get back to protect his family, but there was no way. He would kill everyone in the world besides his family if it meant getting back to them.

Each time he snapped a neck, he reminded himself that he had never found Vanya. Each time someone’s life blood splatter against his face, he reminded himself that Vanya couldn’t have done anything to protect herself, and even the siblings that had power had been defenseless. Each time he pulled the trigger that would mean a spouse not going home, he reminded himself that he at least would be.

It did not make what he did easy. While many had accused him over his life of being heartless and cruel, there was not a single part of him that _enjoyed_ killing. Now, on the rare chance he got to kill someone truly evil, he didn’t mind as harshly.

Tonight he had killed a teenage girl. Her death had been determined necessary for the timeline, for reasons he couldn’t fully fathom. She was completely innocent, a fact that he could’ve ignored if it had not been for what she looked like.

There was no way that she could have been Vanya, considering the age she was and the time period he was in, but it didn’t matter. With her long brown hair and bangs, her doe eyes staring up at him in horror, she was a dead ringer. It was possible that it had just been so long since he had seen Vanya that he made the comparison, but his heart hurt as he pulled the trigger. He kept reminding himself that it wasn’t her, that it could not possibly be her.

Still, he wondered if he would ever get the order. He would never hurt her, he would steal a briefcase and find her. He would save her before anybody would find out, and he would take her as far away from any danger that he could. He would ensure that no one found her, that he would keep her safe.

He sometimes felt a sick joy in knowing that Vanya had appeared to be alone around the time of writing her book. He had confirmed that when searching through her files as well. She was alone, and that meant that once he had retired, he could tell her how he felt. Maybe she could still look him in the eyes after all he had done. He hoped so. If she understood why he had made the choice to join the Commission, he imagined she would understand. She had to, always having been a realist.

Still, each time he had to clean blood off his body, he wondered if she actually would understand. He wondered if she would see him for the sick man he was. If he could have the confidence he had when deciding to ruin his life so long ago now, he wouldn’t think this. If he had had the pride and arrogance as he did when he was younger, he would’ve been certain that she would run to his arms as soon as he could get to her. That they would be happy together like he had promised her.

Promises aren’t meant to be broken, but they so often are.


	5. Breaking Down

“ _All alone_

_It was always there you see_

_And even on my own_

_It was always standing next to me.”_

Her screams echoed around her. She knew that her siblings likely couldn’t hear, but she screamed for them anyways. Maybe a shred of sympathy would strike in one of them as they saw the tears on her face or the fear in her eyes. Surely, one of them could find it in their hearts to show mercy, knowing the fear she felt at the hands of her father’s abuse. Maybe they would show mercy just because they had never been shown it themselves.

Pleading to them to let her out did not help her. Nothing would change their minds, at least it would not change Luther’s mind. He would leave her there until she starved if that’s what it would’ve took.

It had all happened so fast. Everything had sped up since she stopped taking the pills. It had already been speeding up after her father passed, but now the world was at a pace she couldn’t handle. If she could handle it, she would. She wouldn’t have done anything to hurt anyone. She would’ve been a good sister, a good person. But it was all too fast. Everything was blinding around her, the world a blur from its racing. She didn’t know if it was her mind that was too fast or if the world was speeding before her. She couldn’t breathe.

She tried screaming again. Every piece of evidence in front of her told her it was futile. Her siblings did not care that she was afraid. They had never known this fear of hers. Being trapped in here at a young age had been information that was not well known among them. Maybe they would have advocated for her to be in here the whole time had they known. She did not think that any of them ever really cared for her. Why would they care for the ordinary seventh child? There was no reason to.

Begging them would do nothing, but she still begged. She begged until her younger self appeared before her.

In her shocked state, she just stared at the girl who spoke to her. Vanya did not know of this side of herself.

She had never thought she would have wanted what this girl wanted, yet she listened to her.

The girl reminded her of everything they had done. Her father had been awful, sure, but they had gone along with it. Luther had locked her in here, even now. Of course they did not care for her.

Number Seven was the ordinary one. That’s all they thought of her. She was nothing to them. They did not value her. They did not see her power. They did not know what she was.

She felt the anger inside her grow.

The cage that had locked her inside exploded into pieces.

She walked forward.

Maybe they couldn’t value her, but they could fear her.


	6. Lover to Lover

“ _And I’ve been taking chances_

_I’ve been setting myself up for the fall.”_

The blue lights of his powers surrounded him, blinding. The grip on his siblings’ hands was strong, even as he felt a shock at seeing their young faces again.

His travel happened in the exact right amount of time, any later and he knew they all would have perished.

The force of it all was a shock. While he had felt that familiar feeling in his body many times in his life as he jumped from one place to another, it felt stronger than ever before. Once he was able to open his eyes and the ringing in his ears had stopped, he realized that he was alone.

Fuck.

He peered around him, trying to gather his surroundings and figure out exactly where he had taken every one. He was certain that he had successfully transported his siblings all here as well, but he was not entirely certain where they would have landed. A strong possibility was that they were scattered all throughout in probably a fifty-mile radius. He did not know for certain the accuracy of this statement, but it would make sense that they did not travel much farther than the force of the jump would allow. He hoped that at least some of them were together because he did not particularly care for spending too long trying to find each and every one of them.

After he was able to stand up, his thoughts turned to Vanya. His heart ached, reminding him once again of his failures to protect her. He hoped in saving her that he could finally not fail her for once.

Tracking her was more difficult in his disoriented state, especially considering there wasn’t exactly a lot of evidence to go on. He called out her name a couple of times before remembering it was possible she wasn’t even conscious at this point.

Sighing, he tried teleporting in the opposite direction of where he had been walking before. It came in handy to be able to teleport when tracking, something that people probably wouldn’t consider its uses for but beneficial nonetheless.

He was surprised when he did find her, shocked that she had been the first one he had found. A sneaking suspicion kept telling himself that he would find Klaus, who would make his headache worse somehow.

She was unconscious, laying on the ground. A gash over her eyebrows and the unnatural angle her arm was bent alarmed him that she had been hurt.

He jumped forward to get a close look at her, checking her pulse at her neck instead of her wrist considering her injury. With a sigh of relief, he saw that her heartbeat was steady.

“I’m here,” he told her unconscious body. A thought hit him rapidly, and he acted on it before his rational brain could tell him no.

Considering that she was unconscious, he figured he could fix her dislocated shoulder and get started on mending her arms before she could wake up.

Obviously, this had been a terrible decision, and once he had popped her shoulder back in the face, he heard her scream.

She started hitting him with her good hand, and he didn’t bother trying to fight her off.

“Vanya, it’s me,” he sighed. “I was just trying to fix your shoulder.”

She paused, looking down at her arm quickly before blanching. Before he had time to register the expression on her face, she had already emptied the contents of her stomach on his legs.

“Sorry,” she whispered.

He wondered what exactly she was apologizing for in this situation.

They each had a lot to apologize to one another for.


	7. No Light, No Light

“ _Would you leave me_

_If I told you what I’ve done?_

_And would you leave me_

_If I told you what I’ve become?”_

She couldn’t look him in the eyes for the years that followed. He trained her, managed to get into an older body, and had stopped the world from ending.

She did not spend time alone with him, did not speak to him unless he spoke first. She did not know how to contain the guilt she felt.

If she could, she would choose to go back to being alone again. When she had been alone, she had never feared of hurting anyone. There was nobody around for her _to_ hurt. Now, she was surrounded by her siblings. She had hurt them. They stayed by her side though, never leaving. She wished they would leave. There was no reason for them to try now, not when she had already destroyed the world already.

Her siblings tried to comfort her, but she couldn’t accept it. She didn’t deserve anything they gave her. She knew the only reason they even bothered was because they didn’t want the world to end. There was no reason for them to care about her.

Even surrounded by them, she felt alone. She wasn’t alone. Now, there were people that she could hurt, but she still felt like she did not exist to them. She had the worst of both worlds.

Five, she could tell, was getting frustrated. He would often look towards her, wanting to say something but never saying anything. The most they spoke was in training. Though they all lived under one roof, their communication was not as frequent with her. With her other siblings, she knew it was fear that they would somehow push her too far, and she would hurt them. With Five, she knew he didn’t want to say anything because that would mean acknowledging their lack of communication. If they let this chasm between the two of them known, to be spoken out loud, it would make it real.

And they couldn’t do that, could they?

How peculiar it was, that they had once been best friends, and now the words they exchanged came out in fumbled messes. There was an awkwardness that reminded them of what they once were, but there was never the comfort that they each wished would come after.

She hoped that he did not care, sometimes. It would certainly make it easier if he did not. There would be no way to disappoint him if she meant nothing to him. She knew that she would never mean nothing to him though. She had cursed him with these feelings that she would only use to hurt him.

She wondered sometimes if he would ever try to change this, try to make it better between them. She would certainly shoot down any attempts. She did not want to fail him again.

How peculiar it was, that they had once been best friends, and now they tried to forget one another.


	8. Seven Devils

“ _And it’s an even song_

_It’s a melody_

_It’s a battle cry_

_It’s a symphony.”_

He was tired of this dance they had with one another. He was not going to deny this any longer.

They had been best friends, a lifetime ago. Now, she couldn’t look in his eyes too long without looking down.

He always would have forgiven her anything and everything. It was not that he was the forgiving type, it was that she was the type he’d forgive.

No longer would he allow the space between them further. He would not have abandoned his humanity if he had thought he would come back to her treating him as if he was nothing more than air in front of him.

She was air in front of him too, but in the sense that she was what made him breathe.

It had been after a training session that his mind had decided that he had had enough. She had let her guard down for once in years, smiling at him, giving him hope that it would be normal once again. Her guilt was not present in the room, and he was finally alone with her again with its absence. This was the girl that he came back for. This was the girl that he would’ve done anything for. She was here again, and he hoped that she would stay.

It wasn’t until after she had gone that he realized that he had her there for a second. So quickly the people they once were came back, so subtle that he didn’t know until after.

He wanted this to be every day. He wanted her to be with him again. He wanted this guilt that she felt to leave them behind.

There was no way that he would ever make the guilt disappear completely. He knew this. Sometimes he found himself still trying to wash blood that had long since gone off his body. Guilt leaves stains that can’t be washed off. He wished he could paint over the stains they left on her though, to at least obscure them from her mind.

If the world had been kinder to them, he wondered what their life would have been. Maybe they could have been something extraordinary, even though they had ordinary lives.

Maybe he wouldn’t have appreciated the rare joy he got if his life was not shrouded in darkness.

His decision took away all the logic in his mind for once. He could leave it behind for now if it meant changing the fate he had been given.

He waited until after they had trained the next day. She tired herself, something that happened every once in a while. She asked him if she could be done for the day, so that she could sleep.

He had turned around to meet her eyes. He was glad that logic had left at this point.

He moved forward, pulling her into his arms, and pressed his lips to her own.


	9. Heartlines

“ _Your heart is the only place that I call home_

_Can I be returned?”_

As his lips met hers, every emotion she had suppressed for years came out in the gasp she made against them.

He persisted though, continuing to kiss her, drinking her in. She allowed him, imagining if she had allowed him before.

Their kisses were not gentle or kind. There was no way that they could have been after how long they had forced these feelings away. They’re adults now, ones that have starved themselves of this for too long.

She wrapped her arms around him, ignoring the thunder she heard in the distance or the windows that shattered. It did not matter what damage she would cause because she needed this assurance. She needed to communicate to him what she had failed to say before.

Their kisses continued to intensify, heating up to the warmth that her soul had craved for so long. His hands explored her, testing to see what else in the house could break.

She whined against him, encouraging him to explore further. He finally got to where she wanted him, and the lights flickered.

His fingers stroked her until he pulled away and lifted her into his arms. She gasped as she felt the ground leave her feet, and once she had righted herself, he had launched them forward through space to his bedroom.

Once there, he lay her down on his bed, moving down to where his hands had touched and replacing it instead with his mouth after pulling her pants down.

She wondered if they would have been doing this the entire time if she had allowed herself to just accept what he wanted to give her. Her guilt had left the second his mouth touched her own. It would undoubtedly return and try to consume her, but she did not think she would allow it to any longer. What happened is never going to change, there is nothing she can do to erase what she has done, but she can let go and move forward all the same.

As his fingers joined in with his tongue, all thoughts left her. Her head lifted up off the bed, her stomach clenched, and her vision turned white.

They each breathed heavily as he returned to her face, kissing her again.

“I can’t lose you again,” he whispered after he pulled away, kissing her shoulder. “I need you to be here, Van. I need you to always be here with me.” 

She just nodded fervently, not wanting him to stop. She didn’t want this to ever stop. She would do whatever he asked so long as he wouldn’t.

“I love you,” he whispered as they joined together. He started saying it over and over, panting it out. It didn’t sound like real words anymore with how many times he had said it. She didn’t care though, just wanting him to say it until his voice was too hoarse to speak. He did.


	10. Spectrum

“ _Say my name_

_As every color illuminates_

_We are shining_

_And we will never be afraid again.”_

As he held her tired out body in his arms, he thought of all the obstacle they had to face in getting there. He wished they had never had to go through them, but he would go through them again if it meant that he got to be here with her.

He kept kissing her, kept touching her, kept trying to remind himself that this was real. It felt like it was all a dream. He half expected that he would wake up in the apocalyptic wasteland. It did not seem that the earth would ever be so kind as to allow him to be happy with her.

It sometimes felt like he never would have had this opportunity over time. Many times, he had been close to giving up hope for a variety of reasons. If he had given up fully, he never would’ve been here. He was happy that he was such a persistent bastard in this particular moment.

Vanya was finally his, after all of the trials and tribulations. He got to have her the way he had had before, except now they were older and their feelings towards each other were different. They would have been different even if it had just been getting older, but they had gone through so many terrible things that the changes they felt were more than just hormones.

He didn’t want to fall asleep, really. He wanted to stay in this moment for eternity.

Eventually though, exhaustion beat his happiness.

She would be there tomorrow after all.

* * *

Their lives moved forward quickly. At their age, they didn’t see reason for it not to. Besides, they had loved one another for quite a long time anyways.

He proposed less than a year later.

She had actually predicted it before he was even able to do it, completely ruining the surprise or the speech he had prepared. When she had asked if he was going to, he had confirmed before even realizing he had done so.

He liked it that way though, it wasn’t a perfect, storybook thing, but neither were they. They had never had a perfect, storybook life. They had something better.

Even with all of the agony they had gone through. Even with all of the turmoil. Even with all of the pain.

They had each other.


End file.
